Sunday, January 11, 2009

Me, my marginally wider ass, and what we've decided to do about it.

As I've mentioned in other blogs and possibly here as well, I managed to gain a substantial amount of weight during my summer of unemployment. This, of course, defies all logic. I had all the time in the world to exercise, prepare proper meals, and research calories and meal options... and yet. What we have to take into account is that a) I have a severe lazy streak, b) my body works against me in these things, and c) I hit a bone-crushing depression, during which I ate like a madwoman.

I knew something had gone terribly wrong when I started trying to go out for interviews; none of the clothes that I'd been wearing comfortably just a few months previously fit any more. I didn't own a scale, but the fact that I couldn't button my pants told me all I really needed to know.

Well, in October I finally started back to work. And... things got worse. I was eating whatever I could get my hands on come lunchtime, and come dinnertime for that matter. And what with the stress, didn't I deserve a little chocolate or ice cream (or both) come the end of the day? The severity of the matter came into focus in December, when I tried to get dressed for a holiday party. Not a single one of my dresses fit anymore. I managed to not very comfortably get into one - one that used to be way too big.

When we returned from vacation in early January I bought a scale and confirmed what I had feared: I am now heavier than I have ever been. But it's not really about poundage. It's of course partly about how I look and feel about myself, and about whether or not I can wear my clothes - I can't exactly afford to go replace my whole wardrobe. But more than any of that, it's about health. With my chronic issues, every extra pound means that my body has to work that much harder just to perform normal tasks. Every book I've ever read on my disease tells me that if I have any extra weight, the first order of business is to get rid of it.

So OK. I've been down this road before, battling anywhere from ten to twenty-something extra pounds for the past two decades. But I never do it right. I always either ignore it entirely or go completely gung-ho over the edge. Neither of these approaches work in the least. I'm determined to make this time different.

This, of course, is not the first time I've said that either. But I really think this time it will be different. I've got my head on my shoulders about it. I'm not all full of self loathing and disgust like I used to be. I'm not trying to keep myself down to a thousand calories or any such suicidal thing. I've got reasonable goals... and I'm going to share them with you. Ain't that grand? I'll check in on Sundays with my minor triumphs, failures, and struggles of the week that's passed, as well as an update on weight. Weight is not the end all be all, lord knows, but it is nice and tangible - quantifiable, as it were.

And so, as of 1/11/9: 185 lbs.

Wish me luck duckies. Here we go.

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